Saturday, February 12, 2005
mama is in hospital again.. this time it's serious. her kidneys have completely failed. where am i? here.. away from her.. more like a few thousand miles away. I feel so helpless.. i wish i could do something that would.. i don't know.. ease her pain. mom told me.. it's not so much that she's scared of dying. she's scared that she'll miss us too much once she's gone. mom told me that before my great grandmother died.. as in mama's mom, mama told her to go and not to worry about the family. one week later she died. if only it was that simple. i don't want her to suffer anymore.. but i don't want her to go either. this afternoon it was ok.. kuku ronald called and said that her dialysis was ok. i was so relieved i cried.. then on my way home, i called mom to see how things were and mom said it was bad. at 2am LA time, mama called toet and jeet to go to the hospital. mom's flying off tomorrow morning at 5am. i bought something for mama today. it's psalm 23 carved onto a rock the shape of a cross.
"the Lord is my shepherd. i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no eveil, for You are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. surely goodness and love will follow me all the day of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." psalm 23
I have a rabbit.. a stuffed one. one that mama gave me when i was born. i realised that i haven't held it in a while. it's really cute.. it's white and is wearing green overalls. mom is talking to che.. talking about what mama loves to eat. the bengawan solo colourful cake.. the colourful kuay lapis thing? yup. and the keropok. mama loves eating that. mom's gonna buy a lot for mama.. let her eat. honestly, i don't think i'll ever see mama again.. i should have treasured the time i spent with her last year. ever since she got her leg amputated, things have been so different. i remember everytime i went over before, the day i arrived, she would ALWAYS cook me sayur masin soup and chap chye and cha ma you. It was always these 3 dishes the night i arrived, with rice of course. and it was always hot because i always went in winter.
when she was baptised, che was suggesting that her baptism name be Judy.. because judy means gamble in malay.. and mama likes to gamble. she was so happy whenever she went to las vegas. she would sit at the 5cent slot machine with a HUGE contained of nickels and just put in a coin, pull the lever, then put in another one and pull the lever..
There was also another time when a lot of people were in the kitchen, mama wheeled in. and when no one was looking, she quickly koped a container of pineapple tarts and tried to wheel away as fast as possible but kuku ronald saw her and took the pineapple tarts before she could get out of the kitchen and mama said "that's mine!!" then last year, i was in the kitchen with her and she opened this container of chocolate coated caramel pecans. then she started poking the thing and started commenting on how soft it was and how disgusting. before i knew it, she bit off a huge chunk of it and started munching on it.
the year she got her leg amputated, i remember asking mom before i went to visit her "am i still going to get to eat the food?" and she said that mama couldn't even reach the stove to cook. last year when i went, mama looked so old. i guess i should have known that it really is the end already. i just wish that i could see her one last time.. i would bring that rabbit to her and ask her whether she remembers giving it to me when i was born. and i would tell her i love her so much and that i'll miss her forever and that i will see her again one day. i wish i could see her one last time.. and that whatever happens, God will keep her safe always.
I love you ma...
9:04 PM